I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
