True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
