im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I lost the right to judge tonight
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
