so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
