Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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