sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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