I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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