Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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