There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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