so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
