I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
