Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish you could order shots online.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
