Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
