Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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