so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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