i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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