I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
