A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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