It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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