I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
