Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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