I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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