margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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