sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Couch. On fire.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
