At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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