There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
