there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
