So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
