I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
