Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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