i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
