If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize