Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
