hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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