five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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