Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
