singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize