3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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