I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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