i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize