i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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