I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
As shirtless as possible
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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