my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
