Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
