Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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