Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
