the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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