I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
