i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize