I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
