Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
