everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize