Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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