I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You're like the curious george of whores
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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