he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
me + whiskey = a bad person
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
