I will die if light touches me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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