my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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