since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
