So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
