I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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