i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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