Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
