I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
